Monday, May 26
Investors have their peculiar tastes in this regard: the mathematically inclined will go for the hedge fund, or algorithmic automated trading vehicle.
Others prefer the market for exotica, such as rare stamps, coins, used cooking oil and Papuan penis gourds.
Incidentally, the latter are fetching extraordinary prices at Sotheby's.
Only the other day Professor Valerie Carr-Edwards, our ethical investment adviser, picked up a very impressive bamboo and ivory penis gourd for a mere $40,500.
The professor is a very keen collector of Papuan gourds; her collection boasts those of four Papuan chiefs and six headhunters.
She does not find anything ethically dubious about spending tens of thousands of dollars thus. "I'm putting something back into the Papuan community," she explained.
Tuesday, May 27
This didn't work out, as the chief who received her legs preferred her head; and the chief who got her head preferred her legs.
Then one night someone chopped off her head and shrank it. Years later a Spanish missionary stumbled upon the village and fell in love with her shrunken head - apparently years of decay hadn't dimmed the princess's beauty. He took it back to Spain, where it fell into the hands of a dubious circle of Australian tomb raiders. Somehow, it found its way into the glamorous Melbourne underworld. One day it rolled off the back of a tram, and Yogi picked it up.
Anyway, the point of the story is that Yogi has a very fine collection of heads - apparently the finest in the Western world.
Wednesday, May 28
It was a bit like show and tell. Professor Carr-Edwards brought her latest treasure, a snakeskin gourd that belonged to Chief Panga Panga of West Irian. Yogi showed the shrunken head of the king of Bikini Atoll, and Doomsday, our bear market analyst, unveiled his latest Henson acquisition, a photo of his first (and last) girlfriend, Magda, aged 10.
There was much ooing and aahing at this extraordinary range of investments.
For years, Doomsday has been an avid collector of Henson's work, so we were rather impressed that he'd manage to pick up Magda at auction recently.
Doomsday made his first Henson acquisitions during the master's puppet phase. They include a frog and a pig, made of felt. He proudly brought these along today: "Henson entitled this one Kermit; and this one, Miss Piggy," said Doomsday, earnestly, making Kermit faces as he spoke. "They're originals. Cost me $30,000 each … Christie's, New York, 1988."
He then showed us his latest Henson purchase, the photo of Magda, nude, and I must say we were amazed at the artist's ability to work in different media.
"Henson is a master of multi-visual texture," he said. "His work reflects the modern tension between the voyeur and the voyeuree, and posits a fundamental transference in the projection of our post-Freudian sensibilities onto felt and youth. I believe his evolution from nude puppets - note Kermit's lack of underwear - to photographed human flesh, is representative of society's postmodern metamorphosis, symbolic of a world in flux, an evolutionary leap that cannot be resisted."
"Why?" wondered Yogi. "Why can it not be resisted?"
Thursday, May 29
"A Henson puppet nude is worth at least five times a Henson nude photo," declared Doomsday, with the authority of one who has devoted many years of study to the issue.
So it was disconcerting when three policeman led by Hetty Johnson burst in and arrested him, confiscating Kermit and Miss Piggy. Thankfully, they overlooked Magda.
Friday, May 30
"It's outrageous!" he fumed. "They branded my collection pornographic. And it's not just me: as I speak, hundreds of puppetophiles are being hunted down."
