The 2IC found Squadron Leader Biggles Stevens at the edge of the runway, hacking at a clump of dandelions with the RBA's famed Jaw Bone.
“Excuse me, Sir, but the monthly tour bus of village elders has arrived, ready for their tea and scones and a chat about how the Squadron's going.”
“What? Again? Can't you see I'm busy, 2? Eternal vigilance is what's required here, not chin wagging with the vicar and a lecture on sheep husbandry from Farmer Donald.”
“Sorry, Sir, but it is part of our standing orders: First Tuesday of the month, RBA Squadron to liaise with local population, promote goodwill, hear any grievances about aircraft noise, encourage confidence in the unit, give the local newspaper something chirpy, hearts and minds campaign…”
Something about Biggles' stony stare cut the 2IC short.
“Fully aware of that, 2, but as we've always said in the mess after they've gone home, grab villagers by their interest rates and their hearts and minds shall surely follow, what?
“And will you look at the state of this strip? Stop flying missions for a few months and out come the weeds. Damned early spring not helping either. When we take the crate up again – and we will one day, mark my words – the last thing we'd want is to blow a tyre on a patch of bindis before getting off the ground.
“That's the thing about the RBA Squadron, 2, always ready, always prepared to fly into action. And even if we're not, damned important to make the enemy think we are. That's why I've been slashing away with the old Jaw Bone – keep the blighters guessing.
“They catch sight of the strip looking like a goat track, find out I've sent half the crew on long leave and that the aircraft are up on blocks, well, there'd be hell to pay. Doesn't matter if it's the dashed Inflationaries or the evil Deflationary forces, have to make them think we could be on a mission at any tick of the clock, what?
“That's just what I was saying the other day about unemployment rates, some fool asked if I would shoot up rates when the ghastly unemployed were still multiplying. Well, what else could I say? Told him I'd up rates any dashed time I felt like it and never mind a bit of collateral damage. Mustn't have Inflationaries thinking they can just hide behind dole queues, what?
“Total nonsense of course, but that doesn't matter. Keeps them on their toes just talking about it.”
“Couldn't agree more, Sir, but the villagers are waiting and you have to give them a briefing.”
“Ah yes, a briefing. We can just use last month's with a touch more colour. Situation increasingly under control, thanks to a spiffing job by the Squadron. Treasury's Pink Batt action not causing any harm. The line holding well here while China does the real heavy lifting with growing support from the rest of Asia. The Americans and Brits still in all sorts of strife but not getting much worse – lost causes really, so we'll just skim over that. Have the troops home by Christmas, or at least strong growth then anyway. That should do it.”
“You're not mentioning unemployment, Sir?”
“Ah, the unemployed, they're always with us, 2. And if they weren't, we'd be fighting a dashed housing bubble instead. Messy thing, bursting a housing bubble. Tend to take a few casualties. So we'll just keep a quiet weather eye on the unemployment rate – no need to do a thing while it's rising. Action stations when it stops though, what?
“And in the meantime, keep swinging the Jaw Bone. Now be a good chap and pull out that patch of thistles, 2 - I have civilians to manage.”
Michael Pascoe is a BusinessDay contributing editor.
